*WARNING, and NOTE- the following is all about zombies, and the survival techniques to survive the undead invasion that may come one day. All credit goes to Mr. Max Brooks author of the book, and genius. Please enjoy your read, and please know this is a joke book, but it actually makes this seem to be a reality if you have read the book.*
Hello friends, and I am going to be your teacher today.. For we have not long to prepare the coming Apocalypse. THE ZOMBIE HORDE! No need to worry though... We have 3 advantages right now my students. First we have the time, second we have the will, and WE HAVE THE GUIDE!!! :O
Now you can call me Professor Lazerus, and I am going to help guide you through the upcoming doom for mankind, alright? Now firstly to counter our foe, we need to know our foe! Zombie~ (zom-be) a undead corpse that had risen from the grave to eat brains, reanimated corpse risen by magic, and etc. The term zombie came originally from Africa's back waters. It was told that powerful witch docters who practiced the art of dark magic Aka Voodoo were able to bring back dead souls to serve them as slaves. Well now most of us know zombies from movies, and games. But in reality they are no joke :O Why? Well lets put this into fact students. How can you tell the difference from Hollywood zombies? from Voodoo zombies? Well very simple. Voodoo zombies are passive, have the ability to speak, and also look as if they were still alive. While the director choice of zombie is aggressive, rotten flesh walker, and also brain eater. Well sad truth is that zombies are not like Resident evil zombies (thoses were parasites anyway..), and they are not mutants. So zombies are like your typical turtle speed walking neighborhood flesh eaters.
Now how did the whole zombie business begin? Well the only known reason is the virus called
Solanum discovered by Jan Vanderhaven. Solanmun works by travling through the bloodstream into the brain. Now we are still unsure of how this works, But we are still studying Solanum at this very day! So far we have learned students that the virus only uses the brain. Now why you ask? Well due to the fact that the brain has master control of the movements of the arms, and legs it allows the virus to thrive, and use the body at will.How do people become zombies? Well in the beginning as I said the virus travels in the blood stream, and to the brain. Now if you are bitten by a zombie in a certain location it will infect you. Sadly there is no cure yet, and we are trying to see if we can use micro machines to counter the countless lifes lost to the undead ranks. Do zombies really don't breathe? Correct. Solanum has no use of the inner organs. So in turn bleeding them to death is pointless, drowning is not a option, stabbing them in the heart is corny way to **** yourself over, and anything that is poison based or sickness it pointless. So we have many things against us students! But here is some good news. We discover that reanimation is impossable for already dead corpses. Why? Well the dead body's brain is decomposed by now, and without the brain the virus has no control, and will die out.
Now I know what your thinking students, and your correct. Their weakpoint is the BRAIN! Now how do we get to the brain? brainstorm students! Let me hand you 4 weapons of killing a zombie. If your in a event of imcoming zombie would you use~ A. Knife?, B. Blow dart gun?, C. Blender?, D. Crowbar?.... *tick tock tick tock* Well times up students, and if you chose D your correct. Now why did D win? A- Knife is a good weapon, and it's sharp edge is great for pierceing the flesh of the undead, But regardless its range is risky to being bitten, and with that being said lets have something wider. B- Blow dart gun... if you chose this weapon you get a F in my class. We already discussed that poison will not kill the zombie. C- Blender while being creative, is stupid idea. Why would you need to make a zombie smoothe? I mean they taste horriable... : /, and D- Crowbar is perfect weapon for all round events. For example; They can break through the zombie skull with ease, decent reach, and with the ability to break through doors is wonderful.
Well Students I will end my lesson today by giving you further previews to more lessons, and also remember these important rules!
1. Organize before they rise!
2. They feel no fear, why should you?
3. Use your head: cut off theirs.
4. Blades don't need reloading
5. Ideal protection= tight clothes, and short hair
6. Get up the staircase then destroy it.
7. Get out of the car, get onto the bike.
8. Keep moving, keep low, keep quiet, keep alert.
9. No place is safe, only safer
10. The zombie may be gone, But the threat lives on.
Thank you class, and your dismissed till next lesson. We will be talking about how to use your house as defensive forts, and how to fight back!
P.S- Thriller may or may not stop the zombie horde with the power of funk.
